Kip’s Tips for Low-Drama Non-Monogamy

I’ve been non-monogamous for 10 years. For almost as long, I’ve been part of a huge community of fellow poly people. This has been wonderful.

Sometimes internet strangers say polyamory is a horrible idea. They say it’s messy. It devastates the hearts of millions. No one would ever be ok with their partner canoodling other people unless they weren’t really in love.

That hasn't been true of my poly experience. But I agree that some people have a very bad time with polyamory — I'm not doubting their accounts. Although I haven't witnessed any serious poly trauma firsthand, I have seen that some people have a worse experience than others.

Different poly people behave differently, with a variety of results. My community may be better-than-average at polyamory. And I, personally, try to make my life as low-drama as possible.

Given that, I’m going to offer two types of advice here: advice for all poly people, and advice for people like me.

Tips for all poly people

1. Accept that polyamory isn’t “better”

I think an important, prosocial first step to polyamory is accepting that it is not a superior lifestyle for everyone.

It sucks when monogamous people are judgy about polyamory, but don’t let the pendulum swing too far the other direction. We want a world where people can openly be in love with their partners — not a world where people have to do that in any particular way. (See also: Being gay doesn’t make you better than being straight, no matter what the leftists say.)

If you think polyamory is superior to monogamy, it’s going to be hard for you to assess whether polyamory is a good fit for you in particular. Also, if you argue that polyamory is superior, a lot of people will believe you. They’ll try polyamory even when it’s not right for them, and they’ll get their hearts broken.

2. Only date fellow polyamorous people

If you’re non-negotiably polyamorous, only date people who are on the same page. Don’t go on a date and then reveal you’re poly afterwards. Don’t date anyone who will try poly “for you.” (There’s a decent chance they’ll change their mind later on.)

I have no interest in converting monogamous people, whether I’m attracted to them or not.

Many monogamous people feel traumatized after getting into a poly relationship. So, please, don’t coerce monogamous people.

3. Understand that NRE is reality-distorting and destabilizing

This depends on the person. But for me, NRE (new relationship energy, or limerence) can make me feel attached to someone who isn’t actually treating me well. Sometimes the truth is more apparent to my fiance. If my fiance doesn’t like somebody I’m dating, that’s a sign I’m going to have regrets later on.

In addition to the strong feelings associated with falling in love, some people will treat you better before you’re fully invested. Their worst behavior may not be apparent until later.

NRE gives you rose-colored glasses. It’s a temporary boost. It may make you think that your new relationship is better than your other ongoing relationship(s). Sometimes this is true, but sometimes it’s not. This can be destabilizing, so watch out!

4. Figure out sexual boundaries before they come up

I don’t expect my fiance to ask permission for anything when he’s on a date with someone else. That would put him in an awkward position.

It’s weird to be on a date with a guy and then hear him say he has to hear back from his partner before you can have sex. It’s weird to know you could be cockblocked based on the mood of someone who’s not there. Just decide this stuff ahead of time!

In the same vein, it’s helpful to proactively establish expectations around STIs with your primary partner. e.g. How often will you get tested? Will you go out of your way to get screened for HSV? What testing/safety standards will you expect from those you sleep with?

5. Don’t punt your agency out of the room

If you’re making a decision due to the preferences of your partners, own it.

Sometimes you have to change your behavior with one partner due to the needs/preferences/boundaries of another. This is normal. But I think it’s much better to frame those restrictions as your own choice.

Don’t say stuff like “Unfortunately, my wife said we have to use condoms.” This may cause your date to feel resentment towards your wife. It may make your date feel like she has something to negotiate with your wife, which sucks, because they’re not the ones in a loving, intimate relationship.

It creates an us-vs-them dynamic, with you and your date on one team, and your wife on another. It provokes jealousy. And it’s not very nice to your wife.

“I use condoms with everyone other than my wife” is a much more sensible thing to say. It is, in fact, your decision to uphold her boundary. You are the one speaking to your date and putting on a condom. Negotiations go through you.

Take ownership for your choices, even if they are predicated on the preferences of an absent partner. This applies to non-sexual negotiations as well, such as discussions about how much time you’ll spend together, or whether you’ll start cohabiting.

Tips for people like me

I'm a fan of hierarchical polyamory. This preference is downstream of a few innate traits and values I have.

On one hand, I naturally experience very little jealousy or envy. I find it easy to be happy for others, even when my circumstances are bad. I'm excited when my partners have a good time with other people, and this is not something I had to "learn." This makes non-monogamy an easy choice.

On the other hand, I love stability. And I put a ton of value on having a highly entangled life partner. This is why I don't just go for a free-for-all style of non-monogamy.

Some other context is that I'm happily engaged. My fiance and I started being poly years before we met. And as I mentioned, we are in a community full of non-monogamous people — even when we limit our options heavily, we still have options.

So, when I talk about “people like me,” I mean people who share my values and circumstances. People who get very little jealousy, who prefer high stability, and who have already found a life partner.

With that context, here's how I do non-monogamy.

6. Put your life partner above all else

I want a person who is unambiguously “my person.” Who I am fully committed to — who is fully committed to me. This is a very normal thing to want! I think a lot of poly sadness comes from the fact that

A) most people want this, deep down

B) many poly people don’t think it’s valid or acceptable to want this, so they don’t pursue it

Lots of people don’t care about finding a life partner in their 20s… and then realize they want it in their 30s. So, if you’re young, understand that there’s a good chance you’ll change your mind later on.

I’d much rather be monogamous with my fiance than non-monogamous without him. He feels the same way. But at the same time, we aren’t jealous people, and we care a ton about each other’s happiness — so we’re not veto’ing each other’s relationships. I think this is a really secure position for non-monogamy, and I’d definitely recommend it. (Unless it sounds awful to you, of course.)

7. Do kitchen table poly

Ok, people mean a lot of different things when they talk about “kitchen table poly” vs “parallel poly.” Here’s what I mean:

I want to treat my fiance’s partners the same way I’d treat his best friends. I want to meet them and get to know them. I want us to be friendly. But I don’t expect to have sex with them or date them. I don’t expect to have any direct relationship negotiations with them.

My fiance wouldn’t want to date someone who dislikes me (or who I dislike). We’re too close, we share everything, etc. It would be constant tension. Same deal for anyone I date.

It would be ok if I casually dated someone who casually dated someone I didn’t like. But I take spouse-level connections seriously. When I’m close to someone, I wanna meet their spouse too! This is an extension of #6. I’m a big pair-bonding-lover, and that means supporting my secondary partners’ pair bonds too.

8. If you’re looking for a secondary, try dating married people

I used to think “date people with primary partners” was a good heuristic. I have a primary, they have a primary — great! They won’t be wanting anything they can’t get from me. That’s all I have to worry about, right?

Nope, there are other common issues with dating people who have primary partners.

By now I’ve realized that many “primary partnerships” are still pretty uncommitted and disentangled. Many poly people have “primary partnerships” that look like my secondary partnerships — except they’re explicitly higher priority. That can lead to some unpleasant dynamics.

My fiance feels like a part of me. When I’m with other people, I’m not thinking “I wish I was with my fiance instead.” It’s easy to never step on anyone’s toes with how I prioritize him; my relationship with him is fundamentally different from my relationships with everyone else.

Also, when I consider dating a happily married person, I expect they have a stable foundation of support in their life. I like that!

Most people in my social network aren’t married, so this isn’t a hard and fast rule. I just see marriage as a solid plus when I’m considering people I could date.

9. Don’t fuck your gal pal’s boyfriend; do fuck her husband

Again, this one’s not hard and fast. But when I think about who to get involved with, I think about the second-order effects.

If I start dating a close female friend’s boyfriend, this could create status ambiguity. What if I reduce the time they spend together? What if he wants to be closer to me than her? This ambiguity is ripe for conflict. It could easily create bad feelings in our friendship.

If they’re happily married, and proudly hierarchical (yay!), there’s no status ambiguity. There’s no competition. She has already “won.”

If her relationship with her partner is very serious or very casual, that makes me less concerned. But the middle zone — a primary-ish partner who hasn’t committed to her — feels the most dangerous to me.

If you’re a man, reverse this advice: be careful about fucking the girlfriends of your unmarried male friends.

If you’re bi/gay, I don’t know exactly how this works out. But men do tend to feel less threatened when their girlfriends get involved with other women.

10. Think twice and get approval before turning a friend into a metamour

Ok, even if my BFF is in a solid, committed, long-term marriage, I still don’t want to date her husband without her approval. If I date her husband, that’ll make me her metamour. It’ll change our relationship!

Maybe it’ll make her feel like I’m no longer one of “her people” and instead I’m one of “her husband’s people.” Maybe it’ll make it hard for her to confide in me about marital issues as they come up. Maybe he and I will end up having a messy breakup, and then he won’t want me as a dinner guest anymore.

There are upsides, too — I could be a great partner to her husband. She and I could scheme gifts for him and support him through his darkest times. The three of us could get closer.

Ultimately, is it worth it? And does my friend approve? If she disapproves, I don’t want to move forward.

Unless I’m looking at an absurdly good match, I prioritize existing relationships over new relationships. Sometimes that means prioritizing platonic friendship over romantic/sexual fun. (Yay stability!)

This is also something I keep in mind with my fiance’s friends. I don’t want to transform his friends into his metamours without strong approval.

It’s often completely ok to turn a friend into a metamour. It can be delightful. Sometimes I’ve actively wanted my friends to become my metamours. But I also think it’s a real change worth acknowledging and considering.

11. Avoid becoming partners or metamours with coworkers

Breakups can be messy. Metamour relationships can be messy too. This is why I’m not interested in dating coworkers, and it’s why I don’t want my partners to date my coworkers either. (Luckily, I have no coworkers right now. 😉)

This would be too restrictive for some of my friends; we are in a social community that’s strongly overlapping with a professional community. YMMV.

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This is just how I do non-monogamy. Other systems work for other people — there’s a lot of options out there!